Hello! How are you? One of my goals in life is to be a mentor to the younger women out there.
I want to be a godly woman and wife. I want to become the older woman of Titus 2 that can teach the younger woman to love her husband. Not too long ago my pastor asked me: is marriage all you hoped?
Hmm. Interesting question! Let’s talk!
No! But sometimes, yes! How’s that! That is truth that I think every married woman would state. Listen up younger ladies! And older ladies — please teach me, and be role models for me and other younger women! Keep teaching us to love our husbands and children at every age and stage!
We are so prone to the culture’s way of thinking — which comes from the deceiption of Satan, the master at subtle deceit. We buy into lies of self focus, self-worth, happiness, feminism, greed, and so many others without even really knowing that we are doing so. We believe in the romance of fairy tales. We are little girls growning up with big dreams. We want other’s opinions of us to be good based on what they see, so we think we need more, or have to have things that look nice, or post pictures that portray the perfect and good things only. And, secrectly, we expect our husbands to be our heroes — perfect in every way from day one until day 21,900!
And oh, precious women — we listen to lies if we are not diligent to know the Truth. Truth of God and His love and plans for us, for our marriage, and for our husbands as well as our children. So is marriage all we hoped? No it is not. We get married, and it does not take too long to realize our husbands are sinners. Sins of our own even suprprise us as they surface in ways they may not have in the past. And while we might acknowledge our own sins a little bit, the tendency is to focus more on our discovery that this man we hold up as a hero, emerges with feet of clay. Meaning, we see our husbands as who they really are — men made in God’s image but who wage war in this culture of lies too! Men who have their own insecurities and sin struggles. Men who are little boys at heart — just as we are little girls at heart. Men with big dreams and dissapointments — just like us. Men whose masculinity is under attack by the same Attacker of our feminity. This is Satan, the Father of lies and disguise, who wants to see our marriages, our men, our children, and us destryed. We all long to be loved, noticed, accepted. We expect our mate to do all this for us — perfectly. And they might do some of this really well — but we don’t always notice the ways they love us well. We tend to focus on their sins, the negatives, and our feelings. We dwell on what we don’t have. We sin afresh with our own pride (ignore our sins and focus on theirs), covetness (comparison of our spouse or house or things others have or appear to have), and by creating idols of our husband and things rather than seeking God first. And when we do this marraige feels less than what we hoped for. And that marriage vow we all repeat: “for better for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer,” — we say these words believing on our wedding day that “for better, in health and in richness” will compromise 99.9% of our days. All marriages have things, seasons, stressors, and inner and outer circumstances that require time, talking, growth, patience, tears, and even suffering. All wives have sin issues to deal with, and so do all husbands. The majority of marriage is the same as the the majority of life for the single — days of mundane realities, chores, deadlines, work, stressors, challenges, feelings emotions, and busyness.
Coming to this understanding happens to all of us after we get married. Guarenteed. And then when life is the same as it was for us as singles — unmet expectaions, dissapointments, and daily living — we tend to dwell on things that are not true, not excellent, not admirable, and not praise worthy (opposites of what God instrutsts our minds to dwell on in Phillippians 4). We criticise and complain. We think we need to have something else better — but where do we get the term better and less than from? We wonder what might have been if we made other choices relating to work, kids, spouses, or life in general. And in all this, we are letting our feelings and flesh rule. Satan loves to whisper these lies into married women’s souls. He loves to get us to focus on feelings versus truth. Well, here is truth: the heart is deceitful above all else (Jeremiah 17:9). Our culture thrives on being feeling oriented. But here is God’s truth: real love is patient, kind, does not evny, does not boast, keeps no records of wrongs, does not rejoice in evil but rejoices in truth, endures all things, and always perseveres. (2nd Corinthians 13). And here is more truth: God’s type of love takes effort, takes ongoing choices, and takes forgiveness (again and again.) It takes large doses of humility. It takes God’s agape, selfless love in us. It takes God’s help and strength. It comes from understanding the cross of Christ, and allowing the cross of Christ to change us. It goes against our natural, inner person. It is hard!
So, is marriage all I hoped? No! But also yes in many ways! I have a man who shares my belief in God. I have a man who loves me, is incredibly tender to me, and is genuinely affectionate. I have a man who wants to provide for me. I have a man who smiles easily and maintains peace. He talks with me about dreams as well as things like the insignificant items I want to shop for. He even listens to me tell long, detailed, stories — half of which don’t matter to him! I have a man who blesses me with words of love. I have a man who turns on the porch light for me at night because he knows I like it, even though the dark doorway or house doesn’t bother him. I have a man who puts gas in my car for me often, just so I don’t have to on a cold morning drive. I have a man who backs the car into the driveway so I can drive out forward, because he knows it’s hard for me to back it out. I have a man who can make me laugh over silly little comments, and if he ends up in giggles I get them too just watching him! I have a man who goes to the zoo with me, because I enjoy it. I have a very special man for a husband. He is a gift to me! And I have a man who, like Elisabeth Elliot states, is the only kind of man to marry — a normal, everyday man, a sinner.
And then, many woman are married to non-believers, or men who are not good to them. They find themselves married to men whos sins seem “bigger than the normal average man.” And if we women who have good and normal husbands get trapped in feelings and lies and seasons where we don’t find marriage all we hoped … well then I expect there are some women whose marriages and situations are very difficult and they feel marriage is not anything like they dreamed. They say marriage is never what they had hoped for. Is there hope? Always! Jesus changes lives — yours and your spouse’s. May I encourage your own growth in intimacy with God; may I encourage talking with your pastor or a mature older Christian woman; may I encouarge counseling from a counselor who will point you to God and His ways and truth. Mostly, please talk to God about your specific situation. He will give you the advice you need for your life. I pray all women in every mariatal season will learn to dig into their Bibles and turn to God in prayer. In Him is everthing we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). He will tell you what is right. He will — He promises to. His love is what marriage is supposed to model. But again, we have an enemy named Satan who is like a roaring lion, looking for someone and some marriage to devour. I believe God designed marriage to portray a picture of Himself and his love for His people, it is a gospel picture. Not all marriages do this well — even in Christian marriages, and Satan loves to pollute anything that points to the gospel.
I believe divorce is not God’s plan or original intent. But as we all know, this whole world system is broken. There is not one area of humanity that is unscathed by the damages of sin. So today on Valentine’s day, a day the culture tries to define love and romance, I’d like to encourage women of all ages and stages in life to study God’s Word and what He says on marriage, divorce, remarriage, covenants, love, romance, and relationships in general. He has wisdom for all of these areas. I believe all women, married or single, need to pray and seek God’s wisdom, and ask the Holy Spirit what to do in whatever circumstance they find themselves in. I believe that decisions are best made regarding any relationship when we learn to find His heart, determine to obey what He says, repent if need, and humble ourselves before Him. Growing in godliness in whatever way you need to in your marriage (or in singlenss) is your calling. And, precious women, may I also honestly say: sometimes suffering is what He has for us in order to grow us. His plan for us is not just ease and comfort and circumstances going great and happiness based on feelings, and a “perfect” marriage or life. His goal is our holiness and His glory, whether married or single. (And, when necessary, the church and proper authorities are in place to assist a woman who needs.)
So all that to say — is marriage all I hoped? Well, it has some really great parts and is a wonderful gift that God will use to shape and refine us. But at the same time it does have some really hard parts and things that can hurt us. However, it is part of God’s plan — family is His idea and institution! This Valentine’s Day, may those of us who are married be reminded afresh of God’s love, and may we seek to love our husbands with God’s vision and love! And may those of you not married, who want to be, never give up praying for a man that is from God at God’s time. And may those of you who are widows have good memories of former times with your spouse. May those older women among us teach the younger women to love their husbands and children. May the youner women among us determine to be teachable. And may those of you who know the pain of divorce or the rejection of a man know a powerful sense of God’s love for you, and that He is faithful in all situations. Precious women of God — God is for you, no matter your past or present circumstances or story!
Press on! Happy Valentine’s Day!